Of Bella, Renesmee and the Great Escape
by HC0
Summary: Some years after Breaking Dawn, Bella and Renesmee make their escape from a rather unhealthy relationship, and stuff happens. Contains lemonade, a Maserati and the Annual Conspiracy Theorists Seaside Picnic.


**We all know how _Breaking Dawn _ends: with Bedward happily married, and Mary Sue super-growing her way to a biologically appropriate age so that she can marry her mom's semi-ex-boyfriend. And it's all totally beautiful.**

**But seriously, guys—nothing, even Edward, can be perfect. Here is what really happened after _Breaking Wind. Dawn._ Whatever.**

* * *

Edward, Bella and Renesmee are living happily in their little dream cottage. They have wild sex every other minute, and Renesmee occupies herself with being perfect. Life is good; how can it not be? Bella's scored a great guy! True, he kinda stalked her, but he did turn out to handsome and charming and everything. And she loves him. Right? Right.

And yet—sometimes, Bella was unhappy. She missed her mother in sunny Phoenix. She longed so much to take Renesmee for a visit. But no, Edward told her—it was too dangerous, out in the light. The eternal sparkling might give them away! And so Bella remained. After all, Edward had her best interests in mind. Right? Right.

But Renesmee had other ideas. She, too, wanted to meet her grandmother, and see sunny Phoenix. And so, one day when Edward had gone on a vacation to Alaska to visit his frosty friends (and Sarah Palin), she found Bella. "Mom," she said. "Dad's out away. This is the perfect opportunity. Let's go, while there's still time!"

Bella looked at her daughter with pride. Such a brilliant little girl! And so she and Renesmee packed their suitcases, left a note informing Edward that they had gone to visit Jacob and would be back soon, and skipped town in Bella's missile-proof ride.

But alas! Sarah Palin was on the campaign trail, and so Edward returned from the journey sooner than planned. He was not fooled for a moment by Bella's note—she would never have just left a note, and certainly there would not be signs of a hasty packing all over the place! Oh, not good! He grabbed the keys to his favorite Maserati and zoomed straight to the Quileute reservation, where he confronted Jacob. "Bella!" he snapped. "Where is she?"

"Edward!" Jacob exclaimed. "Not often I see you out in the sun. What's the occasion?"

"My wife and daughter have run away," Edward said through gritted teeth. "The note said that they were going to visit you. Where are they?"

Jacob considered. Should he even bother answering this sparkly ponce? Better to let him seethe...but no. This guy had, despite canon and science, provided the sperm that formed Renesmee, and thus deserved an answer. "I wouldn't know exactly," he said, "but hasn't Bella been wishing to visit her mother lately?"

_Yes._ Edward's fists clenched; his lips thinned; he all but shook in anger.

"You go find her," Jacob said. "But I should remind you again: this is werepuppy territory. We do not accept the Frigid Ones here, regardless of whom they have spawned." And he sent Edward on his way.

Edward zoomed down the highway, keeping an eye out for Bella. Not too hard, given the tracking device he'd placed in her car (for her own security, mind you), and so her started to gain. Soon, he saw the glare of Bella's distinctive "EDWARDSGURL4EVA" plates as they neared the sunny Phoenix border.

Meanwhile, Bella and her little girl were having the time of their lives. They had never realized before how stifling Edward could be (but only in the interest of protecting them), and freedom was TOTALLY AWESOME. As they pulled into Renee's driveway, they exchanged high-fives! We did it!

Renee was thrilled to see them, and smitten with Renesmee (but then, what else was new). She brought out lemonade and cake to eat on the scenic deck and it was gearing up to be a great family reunion, until…

Before they had even begun to sip their lemonade, Edward burst through the screen door. "How dare you!" he roared.

Bella's eyes grew wide, as did Renesmee's. This was not on the itinerary.

"Back," he said. "You two are coming back with me, and if you dare try something like that again then by the grace of Me I will lock you in a closet of titanium and eat the key!"

"Never!" Bella declared, growing a bit of backbone. "Edward, I am an individual! I have my rights! And I choose to stay here!"

Team Edward headquarters spontaneously combusted.

Edward blinked. Bella? Leave? Wha? Yellow? "Renesmee, then," he said when he'd reorganized his mind. "You—you go try to live your life without me; soon you'll be jumping off a cliff. But the girl comes with me. She is the sole proof of my ability to procreate."

Renesmee was silent.

"Dost thou defy me, daughter?" Finally, the sound-like-he's-from-the-olden-days gag was kicking in.

At this point Renee broke in. "Edward," she said, continuing to sip her lemonade, "I find you to be highly uncivil. Either you can calm down and drink a lemonade with us, or I will have to call the police."

Edward looked around. Nobody was on his side.

"The cops, then!" he said suddenly. "And they can arrest this mutinous child of mine as well!" He leaped for Renesmee, but Bella jumped in front of her. Edward overbalanced, and Bella was hurled off the balcony. She fell ten stories and finally landed beside a bonfire. The guys around stared for a moment, stunned, and then leaped into action. This was the Conspiracy Theorists Annual Seaside Picnic, and they came prepared for every eventuality. They grabbed their axes and within less than a minute, Bella was a pile of shards. They threw the remnants upon the fire and cheered.

Edward watched all of this in amazement. "They—Theorists—can destroy a Smeyerpire—llama—" he sputtered. Then his eyes flared. "A danger to Vampirekind!" he realized. "They must be destroyed!" He leapt from the balcony, and was promptly subjected to the same treatment as his erstwhile wife.

The Theorists cheered.

Renee and Rensemee watched the carnage in silence. Renee put her arm around Renesmee; Rensemee shrugged it off. "To tell the truth," she said at last," I was getting a bit disgusted by them." She picked up Edward's keys, which had fallen from his pocket. "I think I'll be going home now, if you don't mind," she said, and left.

On the way home, she was kidnapped by Orcs, which was a surprise, because neither they nor any other Tolkien creation are even remotely connected to this story.

THE END


End file.
